When a boyfriend cheated on me with a mutual "friend" years ago, I was sad, disappointed and furious with them both. It threw me into a tailspin of toxic thoughts, from pointless comparisons Does he find her more attractive? But one qu estion rose above the din, and looped like a drumbeat in my head in the weeks that followed: Why did he do it? Knowing the answer couldn't turn back the clock and make him un-cheat on me, but I did hope it would help give clarity to a situation I otherwise had no control over.
As anyone who's ever been cheated on knows, learning that your spouse or significant other has strayed outside your relationship is a uniquely painful experience. In the midst of the teary talks and arguments that follow your discovery of the betrayal, you might never hear an actual reason or, as in the case of my then-boyfriend, they don't fully know the answer themselves. And you might not even see the signs.
Why do I always think my husband is cheating on me?
Here are eight reasons why people cheat, according to experts. They feel incomplete. According to Hokemeyer, the thrill of an indiscretion and the work it takes to keep it a secret can be as exhilarating as the person they've cheated on you with. The complex and exhausting process of managing an affair enables them to soothe an ache through an elixir of power, sexual validation, and endogenous opioids like dopamine and oxytocin, which our body produces when we connect romantically and sexually with another human being," he continues.
Why would someone who's in love with their spouse or significant other cheat? As with so many poor decisions, the choice is often fear-based. Hokemeyer says they might be afraid that "they're not worthy of love, that they're losing their sex appeal, or they're being discounted or outright dismissed by others.
In short, they feel unseen and unable to find enough validation in their relationship. Decimating as breakups can be , it isn't "nicer" to stay with someone when you're unhappy ; it's dishonest. You probably know that sabotaging a relationship in order to avoid initiating an awkward or painful breakup is even less nice.
12 Subtle Signs You’ve Got a Cheating Spouse
Oh, if only everybody knew this. When news of Sandra Bullock's husband's infidelity surfaced, just days after she gave him a shout-out during her Oscar acceptance speech for The Blind Side , she seemed…well, blindsided. The truth is, few straying men come home covered in lipstick stains and reeking of another woman's perfume.
- 6 Not-So-Obvious Signs I Missed When My Husband Was Cheating!
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While the signs are rarely that obvious, if you're willing to look, they're almost always there, according to Danine Manette, private investigator and author of Ultimate Betrayal. So how do you know whether all the Hollywood cheating scandals are making you paranoid or if your partner's actually in the arms of another woman? Check out some changes in behavior that could mean he's looking for love elsewhere. If your husband starts transforming into a different man, it may be more than a mid-life crisis, warns Manette.
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Perhaps the other woman has suggested he grow a beard, wear his hair differently or use cologne. If he's dressing differently for work, there may be a coworker he's trying to impress. Or perhaps the other woman works or works out at the gym he's showing a sudden interest in going to," explains Manette. Changes in his mood can point to more than just stressful times at work.
If the other woman demands more of his time, he may start arguments with you so he can storm out and rendezvous with her," says Manette. If he's not only picking fights, but also criticizing you for things that hadn't bothered him before, like your appearance, eating habits or intelligence, it's probably not about the way you chew your food or the 5 pounds you've gained, but really about another woman. Plus, in order to cheat on someone, you have to be focused on what you don't like about her.
By making that loud and clear, he feels more justified in cheating and less guilty," explains Jennifer Oikle, PhD, psychologist, dating coach and founder of MySoulmateSolution. Most people simply can't handle the guilt of cheating, so they create space. Plus, distance creates a shield, protecting him from detection—if he doesn't say much, he's less likely to say something incriminating," explains Dr. If your spouse avoids being alone with you and your conversations become purely superficial, he could be pushing you away because he's growing closer to someone else. Guilt-ridden behavior is a dead giveaway that your partner is hiding something.
He may shower you with affection and attention giving you gifts for no reason, complimenting you frequently or helping around the house more , but diamonds and doing the dishes aren't necessarily the signs of an uncharacteristically sweet husband—they could indicate a guilty one. On the other hand, some men may avoid their partners when they have something to hide, no longer making eye contact or attempts to communicate. In my case, with my self-esteem already in the toilet, I was easy prey to believing his lies and question my gut instincts.
Never question your instinct; it's always right. Yes, it's nice for a man to groom himself, but when he starts shaving and trimming down more than he's ever done in the past, it's something to question. Is he more enamored with his own body than yours when you stand next to him in front of the bathroom mirror? That's a big red flag. My ex even had me shave the back of his neck and trim the errant patches on his mid-back, and little did I know I was grooming him for his sex partners. Of course, physical fitness is healthy, but when it becomes obsessive and he keeps showing off his abs and biceps, take that as a warning sign that could lead to him to become more enthralled with his own body than his commitment to your marriage.
It got to the point where my husband would prefer to work out and come home at 10 p. He resisted my requests and told me I didn't understand or appreciate how hard he was working to provide for us.
Signs of Cheating: How to Tell You've Got a Cheating Spouse | Reader's Digest
Is he out several nights a week meeting with clients, vendors, agencies, and people from his department or team? Have you been excluded from the social gatherings and then learn other spouses had attended? This is a pretty good sign of cheating, in my experience. My husband told me he didn't want me around at business parties because he felt inhibited around me and responsible for me.
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In the past, he'd stand close to me and I was welcome at business functions. The important thing is to look for changes in what had been the norm. In the last two years of my marriage, I had no self-esteem. So I tolerated his behavior and believed his lies. Spare yourself the torture. Have a backbone and stand up for yourself, starting now. Here's what men and women really think about cheating in relationships:.
Is he showing anger and volatility that he never had before? That could be his guilt turned outward toward you.
One of the first signs of cheating I got was when he told me I was antagonizing him by leaving the ironing board up after pressing his shirts. He said I was purposefully trying to piss him off because he thought I resented ironing.
I loved ironing. We went to counseling.